Managing Conflicts

A major source of stress is conflicts happening in relationships.It could be in the office or at home.Conflict can be defined as an opposition of opinions or purposes that may cause mental strife.

The first part of resolving a conflict is to accept the fact that conflict is natural.Conflict is an inherent part of our life. Nothing is wrong in having a conflict. Misunderstood this energy can cause destruction, managed it can provide great opportunity and benefit.Conflict are needed to bring in new ideas to work on better solutions.Imagine a world where every body agreed to what any body said.If that is the case we will still believe that earth is the center of the universe.

Conflicts between cultures bring in a more refined culture.If you search history you will find that many civilizations which did not face any external threat decayed,whereas others who had threat improved and flourished.

It is a powerful energy.But if mismanaged it can result in tension,unresolved problem,stress,low productivity,sour relationships,ill health,anxiety,resentment.If conflict is resolved it can bring relaxation,openness,high productivity,expanding friendly relationships,good health,empowerment,a sense of achievement.

Stages in conflict

There are different stages in any conflict,lets go through them one by one.Discomfort is the first stage when you are not liking the person in your team or the way your family member behaved.Then there is an incident to trigger the process,followed by misunderstanding ,tension and the actual conflict.Conflict is best resolved if we start working at the earlier stages.

Ways in which people deal with conflict

There are three ways in which people handle conflicts generally.They are avoiding the conflict,facing the conflict and handling them poorly,facing the conflict and handling them well.

Avoiding the conflict:

We steer clear of sensitive subjects.When we see that particular person we talk about anything under the sun other than the area where we have problem.

Quickly change the subjects.If we notice that the talk is leading to a conflict situation we change subject.

Don’t say anything.We just don't voice our opinion even if we are not liking it.

Blame the group.We blame the whole group.For example if you have problem with your wife we say that all women are like this.

We give looks of disgust,but we never open up the subject.

We resort to sarcasm.For example you and your team member have a conflict situation,you don't talk about the situation itself but will talk about the activities of the team member with sarcasm.

Result:Hurt feelings in both the side ,problem not resolved.

Facing It And Handling It Poorly

We attack verbally.We abuse the person in front of us,it can in extreme go to physically attacking the other person.We might use the power of the boss , or significant others to cause problems for the other person.We force our views.

Result:Hurt feelings in both side,problem might be resolved from the side of the person who uses this handling technique.The other person suffer,there could be sore relationships.

Facing It And Handling It Efficiently:Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution is defined as a process of working through opposing views in order to reach a common goal for a mutual purpose.This is an essential tool in any life situation,be it your family or your office.You can never avoid conflicts but you can learn to resolve it for more productive relationships.I will discuss the entire conflict resolution topic via one case study.The case study is from a hypothetical office situation.

John worked hard on a project which was completed successfully bringing revenue to the company.He asks for a raise.Company turns down his request.

Steps to resolve a conflict


Conflicts has to be thought through not fought through.Therefore think it through.

Explore the thought process after conflict.

What really happened?

I worked day and night on this project,the project is a success.When I asked for the increment they shooed me off.

How do you feel?

I feel terrible,lost ,used and miserable.

What impact has this had on you?

I don't feel like working any more.I want to change my job,but I fear whether the same thing will follow me on the new job.

Have you made any assumptions?

They wanted to use me.

What stories have you created?

May be manager wanted to take all the credit.

What do you think they are thinking?

They think that this fool will work and all can take advantage.

What might you have contributed?

I don't know.May be I should have been more assertive.

What is your purpose?Is it to have better communications,better teamwork and accomplish goals or is it to assign blame,prove a point,put them in their place.

Set The Stage

Once you have thought through and you have determined your purpose then set a stage for resolution of your issue.

Mentally rehearse situations
Do not begin by blaming, attacking or accusing
Maintain eye contact
Maintain a non aggressive posture
Describe the problem as a possible miscommunication
Understand that there are two sides to every story
Clearly communicate your goal for the conversation
Invite them to join you as a partner
Show confidence in a positive outcome

Focus on Them First

Ask them to tell their story first
Give them your full attention
Ask questions – listen to the answers
Uncover feelings
How might they feel impacted?
What assumptions have they made?
Get a complete picture
Acknowledge their feelings

With these questions you will be fully aware of both the sides of the story.May be the manager felt threatened by the way you asked for a raise,may be he had some other issue disturbing him at that time,may be head office just lectured him on how to cut down on costs.

Help Them Understand You

Share your side of the story
Use their story to make yours better
Describe your thoughts and feelings
Explain your intentions
Be clear, calm and specific
Keep it on track
Look for common points
Seek mutual benefits


Sir,I feel frustrated when i heard that my pay will not be hiked.If you hike my pay productivity of the company is going to increase since the hike will motivate me.I would like to work as a part of this company's success.If you cannot raise the pay as much as i have demanded raise it as much as you can,may be when the financial conditions of the company improves you can put through my request again.

Use these steps whenever you are faced with conflicts in life.Don't forget to mail me your success stories.